Working with Discord to Achieve Interpersonal Harmony

JOHN LIVICK-MOSES

Who among us doesn’t crave peace, harmony, and love in our lives and relationships? We all want to get along with our families, friends, and romantic partners. Yet, as the adage goes, ‘to err is human,’ and with any human connection conflict is always possible. Most of our disagreements stem from miscommunication, incompatible expectations, or insensitive behavior. Even when we strive for harmony with the people close to us, we often find ourselves deeply entrenched in conflict. 

The challenge I offer with this essay is this: rather than fear or avoid conflict with others (which I see all the time in my therapy sessions as a clinical practitioner), how can we encourage and embrace conflict as a normative and healthy part of life—which, if channeled correctly, can ultimately bring us greater peace and harmony? In other words, how can we use conflict in a healing capacity? Drawing on my professional experience as a therapist, I’d like to offer a few suggestions.

Steps for Finding Harmony within Disharmony & Discord in Our Relationships

(1) Try to start from a place of curiosity in all interpersonal interactions, especially in situations of conflict. I can testify that the space within therapy is about confronting conflict. Yet it’s essential for my patients to look internally and externally at their lived experiences without a sense of judgment, approaching themselves and others more through the lens of objective curiosity. In our sessions, they often find it helpful when they can manage to set aside their emotions and truly ask: why?

When we ask why, we may learn that our partners are not just mad that we did not do the dishes when they asked. This creates the space for genuine empathy to take place. At this point, we can go back to our partners—or friends, or roommates, or siblings—and ask, “Why were you so upset I didn’t wash the dishes?” Perhaps they’ll say, “It makes me feel like you don’t care,” or “It gives me the sense that I’m not being taken care of.” I’ve seen many cases where the underlying fear or motivation of one person has been hidden behind other issues amid conflict. By asking questions and maintaining empathetic curiosity, we may realize that a more profound pain is present. 

“The best fiction is geared towards conflict. We learn most about our characters through tension when they are put up against insurmountable obstacles. This is true in real life.” – Sufjan Stevens

(2) We must become unafraid of humility. We need to accept our weaknesses and the failings of ourselves and others. St. Paul speaks about this in Romans 7:15-20: 

For what I am doing, I do not understand. What I will do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If I do what I will not do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will do, I do not do; but the evil I will not do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 

This is describes a frame of mind that we all need to pursue. True humility unravels the authentic truth about who we are as human beings. By accepting ourselves as we really are, and not how we would like others to think about us, we can begin to repair broken parts of ourselves and our relationships. Therapy works the same way. As a counselor, I actively work with people to help unravel those things which push them to act, feel, or experience things that they otherwise don’t want to, i.e., depression, anxiety, anger, trauma responses, etc.

Humility requires us to accept the idea that we might be deeply broken, and that we have spiritual and mental health concerns that are vastly beyond our control. However, we know the prize that comes with this kind of radical acceptance and embracing of disharmonious selves. It testifies to one of God’s most remarkable and distinct promises in the Scriptures: “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6). Our best model here is Christ, whose entire life was an extreme act of humility—from his incarnation to his death and resurrection.

The value of humility is also widely recognized in the psychotherapeutic world. In fact, there is an entire school of clinical practice, known as Dialectical Behavioral Practice, that I often use with my own patients. DBT is an evidence-based treatment that focuses on changing behavioral patterns, especially within interpersonal conflicts. It can help destigmatize our faults through the practice ‘radical self-acceptance.’ It often involves prayer, mindfulness techniques, and emotional regulation skills—tools that we also find in the Orthodox spiritual tradition.

Discomfort in Interpersonal Conflict

(3) Practice sitting in discomfort, which is the path to true harmony. Embrace it. Be warned, however, that doing this kind of internal work, whether personal or interpersonal, can often be painful. 

Often, couples have told me in therapy sessions that they’re afraid to let their children witness their fights. They worry that if their kids see them ‘fail’ in their communication with each other, the kids might be irreparably damaged. I challenge this idea. It is equally important for children’s development to see how we repair our conflicts after they occur. 

Sure, children might be hurt in some way when they see their parents fight, but they can also learn invaluable lessons by seeing their parents returning to each other and embracing in love, despite their failures or weaknesses. When we allow our kids to witness healthy ways of coping with difficulty, we provide examples of what it means to truly live the Gospel in your lives. “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

The Ego in Relationships

“Conflict forces us to be fully present because it shatters our ego—stripping away all hope of escape or sugarcoating. It removes everything nonessential to our authentic being. It removes all superficial layers. Conflict is painful because it wakes us up out of our created illusions. And if we lean into it, conflict can be the catalyst to our enlightenment.” – Alaric Hutchinson

(4) Finally, confront the Ego. Keep in mind that the Ego—the base part of our psychology, which helps mediate conflicting desires in discernment—is essentially good. It’s given to us by God, and it’s necessary for our survival as a species. As creatures who were made in the image and likeness of a God who is Love, we are also beings of love. This means that the work of the Ego, in all of its behaviors, on a deeper level, is about love, connection, and ultimately oneness with others and God. Christ speaks to this truth during his time in the garden of Gethsemane. 

That they may all be one; even as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be in us: that the world may believe that thou didst send me. And the glory which thou hast given me I have given unto them; that they may be one, even as we are one; I in them, and thou in me, that they may be perfected into one (John 17: 21-23). 

Is this not what real theosis and holiness are all about? 

This theological truth is reaffirmed in clinical psychological practice. We see throughout psychological and therapeutic literature that the Ego is ultimately rooted in the need for love. This is the side of us that desires connection and interdependence with others and is distinct from ‘egotism.’ Egotism is rooted in pain and is wholly self-centered, driven by a misguided sense of either extreme superiority or inferiority. 

If our goal as Christians is to strive for holiness, we need to be aware of what it means to ‘other’ another human being, especially the people closest to us. Othering can take many forms on both the macro and micro scales of human relationships. On the macro scale, this might look like racial profiling, labor exploration, slavery, and sexism. On the micro level, othering might look like mansplaining, yelling and screaming, and gaslighting. Certainly, we have seen the fruits of these forms of making ‘other’ those people whom we misunderstand or fear in history. We all know the pain that comes from these forms of othering, because we’ve all been on the receiving end, just as we’ve done it to others. If we are speaking about the Ego, then at the root of it all, an unhealthy, egotistical Ego perceives itself as separate from others which is fundamentally untrue. 

When we want to do the work on ourselves (for our sake and for others), we should remember that Christ in his divine-humanity has shown us the “the way, the truth, and the life” of what it means then to become our authentic selves—to become more human. The first step is to approach ourselves and all our relationships with a total sense of compassion, and to embrace the pain, fear, and weakness that comes with our existence—so that we might genuinely discover the fruits of the Spirit, faith, hope, and love. For our “strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9).

*A Note about Therapy*

Please know that therapy is available practically everywhere. If you find yourself in a mental, emotional, psychological, or spiritual (yes, even spiritual) crisis, you can find a therapist in your area. You can also spend as much time as you need to find the right therapist. It is essential not just to find a professional that can help improve our internal and external life but who will be able to set you back on the path of spiritual well-being. What better way to practice humility than turning to our fellow humans, especially those trained as clinicians and mental health practitioners, for help, care, and guidance!