Family Fissures:

On the Challenges and Joys of Blended Families

AMELIA ANTZOULATOS

When Katherine created an account on Orthodox Circle, the social networking platform for Orthodox Christians, in 2012, she didn’t realize others had already started using it as a way to meet future spouses. “I was just on because I like to connect with other Orthodox,” she said with a laugh.

But she hadn’t been on the platform long before she met Steven; they both felt a spark, and after about five months of talking long-distance—and, eventually, meeting halfway—Katherine decided to visit Steven. “I think we both kind of knew what we were looking for, so we were just like, why waste time?” she said. Soon they decided Katherine would move to the same vicinity. Steven was the primary caretaker of his three children, and Katherine wanted to “enter gently” into their lives.

Eventually Katherine and Steven were married, forming what’s known as a blended family, or a step-family. A blended family comprises spouses who have children from previous relationships, and it can include at least one stepparent, step-sibling, and/or half-sibling (as it does in Katherine’s case, as she and Steven welcomed a new child into the family several years ago). Step-families are common in the United States; according to a 2013 Pew Research study, 23% of married people had been previously married, and 40% of marriages that year included a spouse who had been married at least once before.

Blended families face joys and challenges that can be heightened by their unique circumstances, which may involve the process of healing from the pain and loss of a previous family dynamic— whether the cause was divorce or the death of a parent/spouse. In the case of Orthodox blended families, faith typically informs the ways they approach some of these challenges.

Katherine had converted to the Orthodox faith in her early twenties. Steven and his ex-wife had also converted to Orthodoxy after getting married, but church had become less than a priority as their marriage became more troubled. Shortly before meeting Katherine, Steven had decided to recommit to the faith, pushing himself and his children to become more involved in parish life. Though his ex-wife had left the Church after the divorce, she supported the children’s faith and helped them during fasting periods. “I felt like, Okay, the odds are in our favor that the children are going to remain Orthodox,” Katherine said. (Often it doesn’t go this way—surveys have found that people raised by divorced parents are more likely to be religiously unaffiliated than those whose parents stay together.)

Now, after 10 years together, Katherine says certain unspoken boundaries still remain in their household. The children tend to be “emotionally closed off” with her, disinclined to discuss how they feel about the family situation, although she and her middle stepchild have made strides over time. It’s common for children to be wary of step-parents, especially if they’re facing a loyalty conflict and feel they have to side with one parent over the other. Cooperation among the adults can ease these kinds of tensions, but that requires buy-in from all parties. “It would be great if we could all be one big, happy family,” Katherine said “Through many tears, I tried to force it to be that, but I realized I can't— this is beyond my control.” Early on in the marriage, her husband’s ex-wife declined her suggestion that they get to know each other.

In general, children in blended families also have to deal with their own disappointments. One priest noted that during confession or spiritual advisory sessions, when children of divorce broach the subject of their parents, they often “just start crying.” He always reminds them not to blame or judge themselves for the brokenness, or the toxicity, of their family dynamic.

Eva Konstantakos, the director of Youth and Young Adult Ministries for the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese (GOA), has similarly observed that Orthodox summer camps, places where young people tend to feel the safest, are also often sites of disclosure about mental health and other struggles. Her ministry has been in dialogue with the Orthodox Christian Association of Medicine, Psychology and Religion (OCAMPR) about expanding the availability of mental health training and awareness for youth workers across the GOA. Those conversations are beginning to take place in the Youth Committee of the Assembly of Canonical Orthodox Bishops, as well.

Despite these challenges, there are also many blessings in blended families. Over time, Katherine began noticing a greater openness among her stepchildren, who had seemed “closed off socially” after the fallout from the divorce. Her natural inclination to be part of the social life of her new congregation, which had warmly welcomed her, made it easy for her to meet new people, and this in turn pushed the children to open up more. “Several people had come up to me and said how glad they were that I had come into the kids’ lives,” she said, “And that after a few months, some could even tell that the kids had changed in a really good way.”

Along with “a lot of counseling” from her therapist and regular guidance from her spiritual father, Katherine felt that having a supportive husband who was cognizant of her needs was one of the main reasons their marriage survived. (And about 67% of second marriages don’t.) Even so, it took four or five years for everyone to find their role in their dynamic, and for her to reach a point where she could “talk about this calmly, and not cry through the whole thing.” She characterized it as a kind of grieving process: “It’s like going through very much alone.”

Online support groups and exchanges with other stepmoms on Facebook helped her through difficult times—though she wished there were more resources available within the Church. She and her husband often consulted with their parish priest, but he struggled to offer practical advice. “In terms of the Orthodox support for blended families, it’s not there,” Katherine said. She suggested there be a specific ministry, or at least training for priests on how to deal with these situations, “because it’s very different from regular family counseling.”

V. Rev. Nicholas Solak, chair of the OCA’s Office of Pastoral Life, agreed that seminary curriculum is lacking in this area. The GOA Center for Family Care develops digital and in-person programs, customizable retreats, and resources for couples and families, but again, few resources are tailored for blended families and there are no additional guidelines for their pastoral care.

There are wide variations in pastoral family care, too, even within jurisdictions. A 2013 report by the Committee of Pastoral Practice for the Canonical Orthodox Bishops found that while most jurisdictions “required or at least offered” premarital couples counseling, the timeline varied and “generally depended on the practice of the local priest.” Likewise in cases of divorce, for which jurisdictions mostly relied upon the local parish to provide counseling and help to couples. The limitations of institutional support are hardly surprising; as Konstantakos noted, low funding and understaffing are perennial obstacles for church ministries.

So what could be useful to blended families? According to Katherine, resources that help with setting realistic expectations are tantamount, because they can transform spouses’ mindsets for the better. Support groups guided by an Orthodox ethos, for example, provide opportunities for connection with others working through the same challenges, but who are also seeking answers in the same Orthodox values. For someone like Katherine, Orthodoxy “informs everything” in her life, but it also makes sense that anyone choosing and navigating an Orthodox marriage will likely need an Orthodox mindset. Now that she’s found greater peace and stability in her own family dynamic, Katherine is considering starting a support group in her area. Life-coaching for blended family members could also be an option, while others have suggested retreats where step-parents with all levels of experience can share their stories and advice.

Demystifying divorce and blended marriage in the Church is important, Katherine said, so that the shame or guilt that sometimes accompany it—something she noticed in her eldest step-child especially—can also be addressed. Resources from the GOA’s young adult ministry aim to communicate that each and every kind of family is rooted in Christ, a foundation that is unifying in its applicability and can be “built upon for the realities of each individual parish,” said Konstantakos.

The youth ministries director does believe, however, that more can be done in her jurisdiction to help blended families at the direct level. She said there’s a general need for parishes to recognize that every member is responsible for sustaining our larger family: “As the saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child, but in our case, it takes a full community of faithful—the full body of Christ—to raise a child in the Church.”